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COPYRIGHT DEPOSrn 



1 1 



WATCH YOUR STEP! 

BY THE SUBW^AY GUARD 

(ALVIN McCASLIN);:.cx <p 




NEW YORK 
B. W. HUEBSCH 

1913 



Copyright, 1913, by B. W. Huebsch 






JAN 15 1914 



CI.A3G2155 



^ WATCH YOUR STEP! 



DO YOU WANT 'PHONES IN YOUR 
HAT? 



"*Why don't y' have telephones down here 
in th' subway? ' a big fellow yammered at 
me this morning. Now what d' ye think o' 
that? You can't please some guys. Here's 
a town with half a million telephones in it an' 
he wants 'em down here, too. You'd think he 
had his office on th' third rail. Ain't it fierce 
when he can't even run up-town without 
talkin' every step of th' way to his secretary 
or th' fellow he's tryin' to put it over. I says 
to this big thing,' * W'y don't you spend your 
time in th' subway thinkin' what you're goin' 
to say when you get out? ' Says he, * Young 
man, to succeed in business you ought to did 
your thinkin' when you was a boy.' An' 'en 

I 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



he tumbled out at Fourteenth Street, an' after 
he'd run clear to th' gate he come chasin' the 
car an' poundin' on th' door an' yellin' at me, 
* Let me on again, this ain't Grand Central,' 
but I had give the * go ' signal an' had to laugh. 
He must a-did a lot of thinkin' when he was a 
boy to call me all th' names he did. He ought 
to have a telephone in his hat, with a string 
runnin' down his neck, to his shoe heel. They 
could put telephone door mats on th' sidewalk 
an' this fellow be talkin' all th' time. 

" Talk about telephones savin' time! Where 
does all th' time go to people save? I guess 
they die quicker an' have more time to think 
it over. Them terrible busy guys gimme a 
pain in th' ankle. I know one, he's so busy he 
ain't got time to take a bath. He's lookin' for 
more work his wife can do. She takes in 
washin'. 

"Brooklyn Bridge! Brooklyn Bridge! 

"No, lady, this ain't your street. I'll let 
you know when yours comes. 

" Step lively, please ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

2 



HAVE YOU GOT A MOTOR FACE? 

" Yep, he's got th* motor-face, all right. 
You can tell 'em easy now. He's got a mother 
an' a sister that look like human bein's but that 
don't help his face any. He keeps lookin' half 
a mile ahead all th' time. When he's walkin' 
he slam bangs into people like he had th' right 
o' way. His neck is scrouged way down in 
his collar bone. You see him settin' down 
to eat with his arms all over th' table cloth, an' 
his hands twistin' th' plate, like it was his 
steerin' wheel. Them fellows never talk about 
th' weather or anythin' else common muts talk 
about. They're always talkin' about their 
carburetter or their tires. Half of 'em don't 
know what a carburetter is, but they're dead 
sure us muts don't either. They's so many 
lunatics from drivin' fast, th' crazy houses is 
gettin' too full. One of th' guards at th' 

3 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



asylum told me they was gonna have automo- 
biles, an' let them lunatics that went dippy 
usin' 'em try 'em again. He said it'll make 
'em happy to go lickety split all over th' 
asylum grounds, an' if they run over another 
*bug' or go slap dash into a tree, it might 
make 'em well again. I s'pose them motor 
faced guys breed children like other peo- 
ple. It won't be long 'fore they have baby 
buggies runnin' by gasoline, with infants 
wearin' goggles an' runnin' over other babies. 

"That'll finish th' automobile business, 
'cause us fellows that ain't mortgagin' all we 
got to buy 'em will be raisin' kids that'll catch 
them gasoline babies when their motor faced 
daddies ain't lookin', and believe me, what old 
Herod did to them two year olds an' under, 
won't be a marker to what you'll find goin' 
on then. That's what this motor face disease 
is comin' to. 

" Spring Street, Spring ! Bleecker, next ! 

" Both doors, lively please ! 

" Let 'em off, please, let 'em off ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

4 



LET'S HAVE A SKINFLINT FOR PRES- 
IDENT 



"Well, you put it all over us, last election, 
didn't you? You got your man elected, an' 
my man drubbed, I s'pose meat be so cheap 
now we all get tape worms eatin' it. While 
you're doin' it, boost th' price o' wheat so far- 
mers can get bigger automobiles, an' fix it so 
us city fellows can get more bread tickets for 
a quarter 'n we did last winter. Like as not 
Congress is gonna take th' tariff off whale 
blubber an' dodo eggs. Some day they got to 
change all this election business. They'll pass 
a law nobody can have an office that wants it. 
An' 'en they'll look aroun' for th' biggest tight- 
wad they can find, an' he'll get a call from th' 
vigilance committee. They'll shake a rope in 
his face an' holler at him, * You got to be our 
President, or up you go-sky.' Mebbe he'll 

5 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



run away, but they'll get him, an' believe me, 
he'll bring down th' price of corn an' beans till 
you eat ice cream every meal. It won't take 
no billion dollars to run this country. He'll 
run it on a million, an' that's only cent apiece 
from every man, woman an' baby in it. Us 
fellows that's got callouses on our hands want 
a regular money sharp for President. An' 'en 
when some department printin' books tellin' 
how many snags was pulled out o' Sas- 
katchewan wants a thousand dollars to pay 
for ink, he's gonna roar at 'em, * Where's 
that two dollars I give you last Friday? ' An' 
he'll get rid o' them flunkies in th' White 
House an' have his wife do her own work. 

" This country be better off when th' Presi- 
dent locks up th' White House, himself, every 
night after he's put th' cat out an' fixed th' fur- 
nace. We ain't suff erin' for a King. We got 
to have a skinflint President. Then we'd 
have money enough to go 'round. 

" Astor Place ! Next Fourteenth ! 

"Be careful gettin' off! 

"Watch your step!" 

6 



WOMEN WORKIN' MAKE WAGES LOW 

" I got it all figured out. It near bust my 
brain thinkin' it over, but, by jing, I got it. 

" Women an' girls hadn't ought to work. 
They work too cheap anyhow, an' that keeps 
some fellow from gettin' good wages. I bet 
they's more girls workin' to-day 'n they is fel- 
lows. If females quit workin' they be more 
work to do an' only half enough men to do it. 
That'd raise wages like a balloon goin' up. 
Then we gotta make every married man spend 
so many dollars out o' his wages to board an' 
keep his wife an' family. An' every fellow 
who won't get married has to pay a tax out o' 
his wages so he can pension them females that 
ain't got nobody to keep 'em. 

" It hurts my feelin's to see women workin' 
all th' time. It ain't right. Females wasn't 
made to fight agin males. If it's right for girls 
to stand up all day an' sell shoes or pound on a 

7 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



typewriter, you might as well let 'em run my 
car, an' work on th' section. How'd you like 
to have your old mother carryin' mortar up a 
ladder? An' your sister'd look fine drivin' a 
truck! You don't want your little girl carry- 
ing telegraph messages an' shinin' big fat 
muts' shoes, do y'? That's what it's comin' 
to, if y' don't stop it. 

" I ain't seen any line drawn yet. Me an' 
you is a lot o' big dubs. We go braggin' 
aroun' how we protect our women folks, an' 
slappin' ourselves on th' chest, an' 'en we 
throw 'em to th' wolves. I don't want Lizzie 
to work like I do, an' if every mut felt the same 
way 'bout some other girl, they wouldn't be 
ten million females draggin' 'emselves home 
every night from work. They'd be runnin' to 
th' door to hug me an' you. 

"Eighteenth Street, Eighteenth! Twenty- 
third, next ! 

" Let them women out first! Get out o' th' 
way! 

" All aboard, all aboard! Step lively! 

"Watch your step!" 

8 



G. WASHINGTON WAS A HUMAN 

" All I know 'bout George Washington he 
hacked his daddy's cherry tree an' bragged 
about it, an' he stood on one foot in a boat 
when his soldiers was pushin' thro' th' ice, an' 
he made a sob talk to his men when he was 
quittin' 'em. They said, ' Don't go, George,' 
an' he said, * I got to. I'm father to my coun- 
try an' it's got th' pip.' He was a great old 
scout. They didn't have no big newspapers 
nor no telephones or telegraphs or cars in them 
days. So all we got on him is what some fel- 
lers writ in a book. I bet he come home late 
to supper like any other guy an' says, * Martha, 
ain't ye got nothin' better 'n that to eat ? ' An' 
Martha says, * George Washin'ton, you go 
an' wipe your feet oif outside th' door. Don't 
you dare traypse in this house with all that 
mud.' An' you bet he done it. Them book 

9 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



writers don't know nothin'. An' 'en after they 
went to bed an' Martha was jawin' 'bout th' 
big wash she put out on th' line, she says, 
' George, I bet it snows to-night an' spoils my 
sheets an' pillow cases,' an' George says, ' Aw 
shetup, an' go to sleep. I don't care if it snows 
ink.' Just like that. You can't tell me 
nothin'. Humans is humans. They only get 
to be angels when they been dead a while, an' 
their wives dead, too. It makes me laugh 
to think o' George Washin'ton. What you 
s'pose he'd do if he saw a automobile? He 
be runnin' yet, or else he wouldn't know no bet- 
ter 'n stand still an' say, * Gosh, somebody 
must a-give that wagon a awful shove.' Just 
like that. George Washin'ton nothin'! Liz- 
zie's little brother'd have to lead him around 
like a blind man to keep his knee buckles from 
bein' stole. Huh! 

" Twenty-third Street ! T w e n t y-third ! 
Broadway, all stops ! 

" Look where you're steppin' ! 

" Quit your pushin' ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

10 



GIV 'EM STRAP OIL 



" I knowed they'd come to it. School 
teachers is throwin' up their hands. They're 
askin' for th' paddle agin. When I was a kid, 
it was much a part o' your learnin' as 'rithmetic 
or spellin'. Then they was a lot o' softies got 
busy an' made rules that teachers couldn't lick 
boys like they used to. That's what th' mat- 
ter with your jails an' your reform schools. 
If a big mule of a kid gets gay with his teacher 
nowadays, they give him a pink ticket with a 
bad mark on it. If he spits in th' teacher's 
face, he gets two pink tickets, an' when th' 
inspector visits th' school he says to th' big 
mule, * Shame on you.' Back in my day, th' 
teacher hit him one life-sized wallop that made 
him think he bumped into a comet. If he gave 
any more back talk, th' boss teacher of th' 
whole school run at him an' set him down so 

II 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



hard his back bone near went into his hat. I 
never learned how to spell till ol' Doc Baldwin 
that learned us broke his cane on my bean one 
Friday. Somehow it raised a welt big enough 
to let brains in. An' when I got one lickin' at 
school, I got another one when I got home. 
That's what learned me so well. Kids go to 
school for th' same reason you send soldiers to 
th' army. If you let them soldiers do as they 
please, an' talk back to them captains an' col- 
onels, they ain't fit to fight hoboes. An' you 
don't learn them soldiers to shoot straight an' 
win shoulder straps by talkin' sugar nothin's to 
'em. Them soldiers get th' hook if they ain't 
watchin'. That's what kids need. Th' men 
runnin' this country now is th' men that got 
lammed good an' hard when they was kids. 
When th' softy kind get to runnin' it, me for 
Bulgaria. 

" Twenty-eighth, Twenty-eighth, next 
Thirty-third ! 

" Wait till they get off! 

" Both doors, both doors, lively, please ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

12 



BE YOUR OWN HIRED MAN 

" Nobody can get servants to work for 'em 
any more. You know why, don't you? They 
ain't any more servants. They all died off. 
" What d' you expect to happen when you 
make everybody a dude ? Long time ago they 
used to have real servants. They couldn't 
spell c-a-t an' they called th' man they worked 
for * master ' an' they called th' lady * missus.' 
You could get one by openin' th' door an' 
whistlin'. An' when they took a job, they was 
treated right. They didn't know nothin' but 
to be lick-spittles, an' th' ' master ' an' th' * mis- 
sus ' was as proud of 'em as they was of a new 
horse, an' they treated 'em right. Th' cook 
knew th' * missus' knowed more'n she did. 
When th' coachman went out drivin' he swelled 
up like he was glad he was alive. Then we 
got this eddication * bug ' an' all th' kids was 

13 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



told they could be president an' th' cook's lit- 
tle girl went to dancin' school an' learned to 
pump a typewriter so she'd get easy money 
an' get to be a lady quick. When th' old serv- 
ants died off, they wasn't no more. No- 
body tries to be servants now 'less they've lost 
their money, an' then they want to get easy 
money quick as they can. They's people right 
now got servants and hain't no right to have 
any. If me an' Lizzie gets married, we ain't 
gonna have any cook bossin' aroun' an' tellin' 
us where to get off. I ain't scared at washin' 
dishes if me an' Lizzie eats out of 'em. An' 
if I can't make my own bed an' chase a bucket 
o' coal up stairs, I ain't gonna split my money 
up with some duffer to do it for me. 

"Thirty-third! Thirty-third! Grand Cen- 
tral, next! 

" Both doors, both doors! 

" Don't stand on th' platform! 

" Watch your step ! " 



14 



WHISKERS 

"Where's all th' whiskers went? A good 
bunch of whiskers makes everybody sit up an' 
look pleasant nowdays. No fellows with 
whiskers goes wrong an' keeps 'em. It's a 
safe bet when you see a fellow with alfalfa all 
over his chin he didn't tap anybody's money 
drawer yesterday. Whiskers is a certificate 
of character. You never see a policeman 
study a man that's got whiskers. Th' cop 
knows he'd never see 'em again if th' fellow 
was a crook. No rogue's gallery has feather 
dusters in it. Fellows with whiskers is 
powerful fond o' women. You're safe in 
askin' if his oldest boy is in school yet. They 
are great savin' o' laundry bills, whiskers is. 
Your Sunday collar's good till Friday. An' 
look at th' barbers' money you save. It's no 
wonder Russians come over here an' live on 

15 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



starvation wages. They brung their whiskers 
along. This country won't amount to nothin' 
till we let our whiskers grow. One reason 
most our Presidents was born on a farm 
is because that's where fathers with * gosh- 
ding-its ' lived. Some fellows wear whiskers 
in self-defense. Their face is too short, or 
their mouth is too big or they ain't got no chin. 

" If you like a fellow, never ask him to cut 
his whiskers off. He might do it to please 
you, an' you'd die laughin'. Everybody 
used to wear 'em when I was a boy. Then all 
a-sudden th' doctors said catchy diseases 
got in your whiskers. An' somebody got up 
a safety razor. That settled it. We been 
dippy about bald faced men ever since. That 
ain't got nothin' to do with bald headed men. 
Their trouble is wearin' hats too much. 
Hair is just like grass. Do you s'pose grass 
'd grow for a minute under a Derby hat? 

" All aboard ! Broadway local to Hunderd 
Thirty-seventh Street! 

" Both doors, please. Step lively! 

" Watch your step I " 

i6 



MAKE SQUEALIN' POPULAR 

" They's only one way to keep from goin' to 
jail nowdays an' that's to squeal. When 
everybody gets to squealin', th' county can 
rent th' jail for a singin' school. Th' reason 
squealin' ain't popular is 'cause squealers don't 
holler soon enough. When them crooked 
guys go to stealin', their pals ought to treat 
'em like I'd treat Danny Lynch if he'd say to 
me, * Let's me an' you rob Lizzie of her brace- 
let.' I wouldn't squeal, no-o-o, I wouldn't, 
but Danny would if he ever come to, after I 
hit him. That's the way pals ought to act. 
" Squealin' on a crook ain't nothin'. Look 
what you're doin' when you ain't squealin'. 
You're playin' false to every little baby an' all 
th' decent men an' women in New York. I'd 
ruther be a squealer than a * rotter.' That's 
when you know somebody's doin' dirt to de- 

17 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



cent people an' you keep still about it. Talk 
about * honor 'mong thieves.' They ain't 
any, I tell you. They ain't a bigger lot o' 
white livers any place 'n they is close to a 
crook's backbone. You know a fellow 
wouldn't be a crook if he had a red 
liver, nohow. I'm in favor o' givin' prizes 
to squealers so's to make it worse for 
crooks. You want to fix it so no man can 
tell another fellow anything he wouldn't hol- 
ler right out loud. iFix it so they can't be any 
squealin'. To do that, you got to train every- 
body to squeal first. Some day I'm gonna 
get up th' Independent Order o' Squealers. 
Any mut can get in that hollers like a cowboy 
on a drunk every time he sees another mut 
doin' wrong. Th' fellow hollers th' most gets 
elected Grand Squawk. Nobody belongs if 
he can't make a noise when he sees a crook. 

"Broadway local! Hunderd'n Thirty- 
seven, only! 

" You must let 'em off first! 

" Hurry up, hurry up, all aboard ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

i8 



SUNDAY AIN'T SUNDAY ANY MORE 

" Me an' "Lizzie meandered out to Bronx Park 
Sunday. In hot weather we always try to 
go to th' park. Cars were jammed, an' peo- 
ple rushed along like they was two jumps 
ahead of a fit. Outside th' park, music was 
playin' like a street fair. Two or three o' 
them Mary-go-wrongs was whirlin' 'round, 
loaded with fellows an' girls. Everybody 
was hollerin' at everybody else. Little boys 
in good clothes were thicker'n horse-flies, an' 
tryin' to be as bad. Close by they was eatin' 
rubber sandwiches and guzzlin' drinks like 
they had to ketch a train. I don't see what's 
th' matter with people Sundays. Some o' 'em 
go to church in th' mornin'. Then all of 'em 
go plumb crazy in th' afternoon. It looks as 
if they start out chasin' a good time they never 
got. We went to a restaurant out there an' 

19 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



th' waiters was so busy they couldn't see us. 
They was a darkey quartet yellin' ragtime 
louder 'n a band could play, an' everybody 
actin' like they expect to go to th' booby house 
to-morrow. If every day was Sunday, we'd 
all have th' jumpin' jimmies. Lizzie says no- 
body plans things for Sunday. She says peo- 
ple don't know where they're goin'. They 
need a bucket of hot water to put their feet 
in an' cracked ice on their cocoanut. They're 
just Sunday simple. Sunday used to be a 
good day to see your girl. We used to sit on 
the grass in the park an' talk nothin*. No use 
now. You'll get run over. Even if you stay 
at home, th' folks is so busy gettin' their 
wash in' ready for Monday, you're in th' way. 
It looks like Sunday ain't Sunday any more. 

"Cathedral Parkway! Cathedral Park- 
way! 

" No, lady, I don't know where that church 
is. 

" Let her off, please ! 

" Watch your step ! " 



20 



ARE YOUA'JINER?' 



" I see you got your lodge pin on. That's my 
lodge. Lizzie took my pin so's to wear it 
to a party. That ain't th' only lodge I be- 
long to. Are ye a Mason? Y' ain't? Are 
ye a K. P.? Y' ain't? Say, you ought to 
know my uncle Bob. He's what I call a 
*jiner.' They ain't a lodge struck these 
United States yet he hain't rode its goat. 

"By jing, he knows enough passwords to 
write th' Bible with. That's one reason he 
never got married. He can't stay out o' lodge 
meetin' long enough. If old Bob ever dies, I 
hope he gets drowned in th' ocean, 'cause his 
funeral '11 paralyze this town for onct. He 
ain't a very leadin' citizen, an' I'll bet he 
ain't got a dollar in a bank, but believe me, he's 
got enough receipts for lodge dues to paper 
th' City Hall. 

21 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



" It's a good thing for a fellow to belong 
to some lodge. I don't care if it's nothin' 
more'n th' Independent Order o' Prickly 
Pears. He knows everybody ain't in it. 
Mebbe he thinks they can't get in it. That 
swells him up. An' when a man's got reason 
to feel proud, he's a lot better citizen 'n 
th' other kind sneakin' 'long with his head 
down an' tryin' to do somebody all th' time. 
I know some scallawags get into lodges. You 
can't keep cockroaches out o' your kitchen 
'less you poison 'em. But this country 'd 
never be th' big show it is now if we hadn't 
tied fellows together in them secret societies. 

" I mean all kinds of 'em, every religion, 
every nation an' every good thing has to 
have a church or a lodge to push it. It's th' 
fellows that don't belong to nothin' I feel sorry 
for. Them kind are missin' lots o' glad hands. 

" Columbia University ! Hunderd'n Six- 
teenth ! 

" Watch out, steppin' off ! 

" All aboard, come ahead, lively, please ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

22 



CABBAGES CAN'T SMELL LIKE ROSES 



"Th' Chicago woman that wants all th' 
other women called * Missus ' just 'cause all 
men is called * Mister' wants to change her 
' specs.' She's seein' all green. .They's nothin' 
to it. If anybody goes to callin' my "Lizzie 

* Missus' before she's * Missus Jerry' it'll 
be that mut's last word on earth. This'd be 
a hot world with all the females wearin' 

* Missus ' in front o' their names. How th' 
dickens could you tell some fellow's woman 
from a girl lookin' for a fellow. 

" Us guys have to tell 'em some way. I 
s'pose she'd be in favor o' puttin' a ring in th' 
married women's noses. She's got jelly on 
her face just 'cause she can't get me away from 
Lizzie. Now Lizzie's proud of bein' called 

* Miss ' 'cause she knows they's a mut called 

* Mister ' 'd like to have her called ' Missus.' 

23 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



"Ain't it th' truth, they's people thinks a 
handle makes a jug? To my notion, th' purti- 
est thing about some old maids is callin' 'em 
* Miss.' Widows don't put it over old maids 
just by bein' called ' Missus.' Them ladies win 
out 'cause they know th' game. If a fellow see 
a plump little widow come bowling into th' 
car, he don't care what her front name is. He 
fixes his tie an' he looks to see if his shoes is 
polished an' then he swells up like a turkey 
buzzard. Let one o' them vinegar faced fe- 
males get aboard an' she might have two 
flunkeys on each side of her hollerin', * This is 
the Honorable Missus Dewdad,' every guy 
gets busy readin' ' Want Ads ' an' cussin' th' 
car for bein' slow. No, sir, it ain't what you 
call a woman makes her catch a man. I don't 
care if they call Lizzie a dodo bird, I'll get her 
yet. 

"Manhattan Street, next Hunderd Thirty- 
seventh ! 

" Step lively, there, they's more wants on ! 

" Plenty o' room up front ! 

"Watch your step!" 

24 



IS A ELEVATOR A STAIRWAY? 



" * Always take your hat offi in th' presence 
of ladies/ a little fellow says to a big one, on 
my car yesterday. *Aw gwan' says th' big 
one, * d'ye mean to tell me I got to go aroun' 
bare headed,' says he. * No, but when you're 
ridin' with 'em in a elevator.' * What right 
has a elevator got over a stairway, or a 
sidewalk?' says th' big one. 'None, y' big 
chump ' says Shorty, * but it's th' rule.' ' Now 
there ye go agin, makin' fool rules. They's a 
elevator right here at Hunderd an' Sixty-eight 
Street big as th' grand stand at th' Ball Park 
an' if I'd take my lid off, my bald head'd be like 
a iceberg. I wouldn't go with my hat off in 
that place to please my mother. An' it's a 
elevator. If I got a right to keep my hat on 
there, why can't I in them bird cages they 
shoot up an' down on Nassau Street? ' He's 

25 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



right. Elevators ain't no thermometer to tell 
a man's a good fellow. Elevators is stair- 
ways. Some guy thinks elevators is rooms, 
an' carries his hat like he was gonna sit down 
an' eat somethin'. He'll carry his shoes in 
his hand, next. Them are th' kind tell me I 
eat my dinner at supper time. No, I don't. 
I eat my dinner noons, an' I read th' other day 
about a couple gettin' married an' havin' wed- 
din' breakfast at 12 o'clock. Not for me. I'd 
get so faint without my coffee by that time, I 
wouldn't even marry Lizzie. 

" This yankin' your hat off in a elevator is 
like lookin' a man steady in th' eye. It don't 
prove nothin'. One th' biggest crooks ever 
went to th' ' pen ' looked at th' judge like he 
had glass eyes. Fellows take their hats off in 
elevators every day I wouldn't trust Lizzie 
alone with on a dark night. 

" Hunderd Sixty-eight ! Next, Hunderd 
Eighty-first! 

*' Let th' lady out, please ! 

" Watch your step ! " 



26 



CAR SIGNS AIN'T TOO NOISY 

" I see a man laughin' like a lunatic to-day at 
one of th' * ads ' in my car. That reminds me. 
" Last week a solemn lookin' cuss was 
abusin' them signs like sixty. He said it was 
a shame to have cars an' dead walls all 
over town plastered with red an' yellow signs 
tellin' about soaps you could eat an' flea pow- 
der that always got 'em. He said it was forc- 
in' things on you. An' it was a nuisance, to 
have to look at things you don't want to see. 
Why, he said if some guy stood up in th' train 
and hollered through a megaphone at you all 
th' time braggin' about liver pills or tellin' you 
to get fly screens at th' hardware store, you'd 
never stand for it. You'd have th' man with 
th' trumpet pinched for bein' a nuisance. He 
said he paid his nickel to ride an' didn't want 
no catalogue or picture books thrown in. I 

27 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



think he's dead wrong. Some o' them signs 
is right educatin', an' they keep people from 
goin' crazy, instead o' botherin' 'em. If you 
look at blank walls all th' time, you feel like 
that old fellow looks. If you stare at th' 
pretty women on th' car, you get a punch in 
th' face. Old Kill-Joy ought to get up pat- 
ent goggles with golden texts on 'em, an' pic- 
tures of angels in their * nighties,' so his eyes 
couldn't wander. I notice he had a big band 
o' black crape on his ice cream overcoat. 
Wasn't that kinda rubbin' it into the rest o' us ? 
When you're tryin' to be cheerful, ain't it 
awful to have his overcoat cryin' out loud? 

" Dyckman Street ! 

** This way out ! 

** Change here if you're goin' further ! 

"Watch your step!" 



28 



WOMEN'S TO BLAME FOR GIRLS 

COIN' WRONG 

— .— ^ ^^i^^ — ^^^— ^^.— .— — ^— — ^ 

"It ain't five dollars a week makes girls go 
wrong. It's other women. 

"Any mut of a man cavorts aroun' all he 
pleases, stays out all night, gets drunk, brags 
about it, chases girls an' shows it in his face. 
Th' women all stand for it, an' think he's 
smart. If a girl wabbles th' least bit, out she 
goes. Ain't girls got blood, liver an' lights 
jus' like men? 

" You won't let a girl ask a fellow to marry 
her. You won't let her know nothin'. If she 
ain't lucky enough to catch a husband without 
flaggin' him, she'll die a old maid. All time 
you tell her that, you let that guy she's got her 
eye on pick up any woman he pleases an' drop 
her agin. You bet he ain't gonna die like a 
old maid. An' all th' other women see him 

29 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



chasin' girls, an' know he's a dog, an' tell him 
to come to supper to their house, an' dance with 
him, an' love him. He don't need tell 'em 
where he was last night. They got their sus- 
picions, but they don't mind that. He's a man, 
an' he's got his fingers crossed. 

"Your mother an' my sister could stop 
all that in two shakes of a sheep's tail. If 
th' women in this country get together to- 
morrow an' say they wouldn't stand for a 
man that couldn't tell 'em honest where he 
was last night, they'd be so many weddin' 
rings bought, th' price o' gold 'd go up. You 
couldn't get into church for people on th' side- 
walk lookin' at th' brides' dresses. Single 
women'd be so scarce them storekeepers'd 
pay four dollars a day for cash girls. Take it 
from me, women got nobody but 'emselves to 
blame for girls goin' wrong. 

"Broadway Express! Two Hunderd Fif- 
teenth, only! 

" Move up in front, ladies, move up front ! 
Them men can't get by you ! 
Watch your step ! " 

30 






A DOG CAN LEARN YOU 



" People's got a lot to learn from dogs. Just 
'cause we walk all th' time on our hind legs 
an' eat with a spoon is no sign we got dogs 
beat any. They ain't any mother'll stick to 
her boy longer 'n your dog'U stick to you. 
He'll yelp when you kick him, an' look to see 
if you mean it. He knows you don't. And 
when you soften up an' say, ' All right, old fel- 
low,' he mighty near wags his tail off, he's so 
glad to make up. Just you try that on th' 
next man you meet an' see what you get. If 
you try that on your brother or your best 
chum, you might not get bit on th' leg, but 
you'd get a wallop in th' eye. When I been 
on this car all day, takin' everybody's guff, 
havin' bankers bark at me like they had hydry- 
foby, an' ladies spittin' at me like mad-cats 
'cause they hain't got sense enough to get off 

31 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



where they want to, I'm glad to go home 
an' see my dog * Budge.' Say, that dog 
waits for me with his ear cocked listenin'. 
Nobody else's feet sounds like mine. An' if 
my foot was th' last one that kicked him, he's 
glad to hear it comin'. I get 'shamed of my- 
self for not treatin' that dog better. He'd put 
every dollar he had on me if he had money. 
His little stub tail wiggles *thank'ee, thank' 
ee' long 'fore he gets any thin'. He's so 
tickled when I get him a bone I wish I could 
get him a whole beef. Ain't it a pity human 
bein's don't act good as dogs when somebody 
does 'em a good turn. It don't cost nothin' 
to say * thank you ' like my four-legged Budge 
does, but I know lots o' two legged ones too 
stingy to say it. I'd rather go where Budge 
is gonna go than twang a harp with them peo- 
ple. 

" All stops to Van Cortlandt Park ! 

" Yes, Ma'am, this car goes all the way 
through. 

" You're welcome, ma'am. 

" Watch your step ! " 

32 



DON'T ROAST THE MESSENGER BOY 



" People got to quit guyin' messenger boys for 
bein' slow. Them boys ought to be in school. 
If they was, some of th' other boys' daddies 
wouldn't guy th' messenger kids for bein' 
slow. It's 'cause they hain't got any decent 
daddy they run errands for two bones a week. 

" I s'pose you want 'em to go like cycles in a 
motor drome all th' time an' eat fresh air while 
they're goin'. I'm glad you get fooled. No 
messenger boy that's got any red blood in 'im 
is gonna run by a good dog fight luggin' 
a telegram tellin' you your mother-in-law's 
comin' to your house to stay. 

" You got more sense 'n to run into school- 
houses an' try hurry th' jogerfy class. Them 
little white-faced muts spend six hours a day 
makin' a bluff readin' with th' teacher standin' 
right over 'em spellin' out th' words for 'em. 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



That's all right, that is. You slap your wish- 
bone an' holler, * Hooray for young America.' 

" Then when you ketch them little hobnail 
shoe messenger boys walkin' along readin' 
*The Poisoned Gumdrop, or The Candy 
Woman's Revenge,' you bark at 'em for bein' 
slow. An' they was readin' it without th' aid 
o' whip or spur, like th' man rides bareback 
in th' circus. 

" Don't you want them boys eddicated? 
Do you want 'em to grow up like they was 
wagon wheels? 

** If I was Governor I'd make a new law. 
I'd say you got to add ten minutes' leeway to 
messenger kid's runnin' time.' We got truant 
cops to keep school kids from runnin' off. 
We need telegraph cops to see no workin' boy 
misses any fun goin' or gets docked for loafin'. 

"Van Cortlandt Park! Two Hunderd 
Forty-second ! 

" Take your time, gettin' off ! 

" All out now, end o' th' line! 

" Both doors, both doors! 

" Watch your step ! " 

34 



\ 



GIMME ME A FEMALE JURY 

3 

" Right now, when all th' women is votin* or 
hikin* to vote, what does a Jersey judge do 
but have th' law on one of 'em, an' say she 
shan't pay more 'n a dollar for corsets. That 
judge is askin' for it, an' he'll get it. 
Them Jersey women'll vote purty soon, an' 
he'll think th' court house clock fell on him. 
" If I was a judge nowdays, I'd sing purty 
low. Juries is bad enough when they're all 
whiskers an' knuckles. No female lady on a 
jury is gonna let th' judge have th' last word. 
An' when they get six women on a jury, an' 
six men, an' th' court sends 'em out, by jing, 
they never will come back. If ever I kill any- 
body, an' they go to try me, I'll ask for part 
females on my jury. An' I don't want 'em 
married. Before my case gets done, one of 
them women'll get so stuck on one of them 
good lookin' duffers my lawyer's put on that 

35 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



jury she'll marry 'm, an' that'll let me out. 
When two people get married, they ain't two 
any more, they're one. So that jury'll just be 
leven, an' you can't make any fellow stand for 
only 'leven men on his jury. He's got to have 
twelve, else he hain't killed th' guy he killed. 

" But women make better juries'n men. 
You can't fool one female in forty-six. They 
can tell you're lyin' if you're blindfolded. 
Half o' these chump lawyers'll go out o' busi- 
ness when you get female juries. If it wasn't 
for juries bein' dunderheads, they wouldn't be 
so many lawyers, nohow. Most lawyers won't 
let a guy set on a jury if he's ever been to 
school. They want jurymen to get splinters 
in their fingers every time they scratch their 
head. I don't see why courts ain't all women, 
anyway. I never seen a court house yet with 
a statue of a man holdin' a pair o' scales. 

"Ninety-first, Ninety-first! City Hall 
local ! 

" Let 'em on, don't block th' way ! 

" Move up in front. Plenty o' room. 

" Watch your step ! " 

36 



DID YOU EVER TRY THINKIN'? 

" All us guys is a lot o' copy cats. If any- 
body starts out to do somethin' nobody else 
did, you think he's dippy. Folks don't try to 
act like 'emselves. They all act like some pic- 
ture they seen. It takes gobs o' real brains to 
make you look like yourself so some other 
mut'll copy you. Women pile all kinds o' dead 
hair on top their head so's to look like some 
woman with real hair. 

" A fellow'd think he wasn't half dressed if 
he didn't have a fool pin stickin' in his tie, an' 
if a guy'd come downtown with a coat on that 
hadn't got a collar on it just like every other 
guy, he's afraid he'd be arrested. An' 
when some mut makes a speech to a crowd an' 
says a lot o' flub-dub 'bout * liberty ' an' uses 
all th' nice words he can think of like ' mother,' 
*home,' an' * heaven,' th' crowd rave over it 

37 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



like he was sayin' somethin'. It don't take no 
brains to listen to such stuff. I always think 
a fellow makin* a speech ain't said nothin' 
when th' people listenin' to him clap their 
hands. If he said somethin' new, that took 
brains to say, th' people wouldn't be clappin' 
their hands; they'd be so busy gettin' th' new 
dope, you could hear a pin drop. I never see 
a hen flappin' its wings yet when it's layin' a 
egg. It's too busy. 

" Us humans got corns on our feet an' cal- 
luses on our hands. We got stummicks all 
wored out an' our hearts is gettin' weak. Our 
lungs is bein' coughed up an' our liver's 
choked. But we got one bran' new piece o' 
machinery up in our cocoanut that ain't half 
worked. Did you ever try thinkin' real hard? 
You might surprise yourself doin' somethin' 
th' other muts ain't doin'. 

" Eighty-six Street, Eighty-six ! Next, Sev- 
enty-ninth ! 

" Move on up in th' car. 

" Don't all of you stand right in th' door. 

"Watch your step!" 

38 



QUIT PUSHIN* ON TH' LINES 

" An old codger says to me to-day, * W'y do 
all young fellows yank their pants up at th' 
knee when they set down? ' I was so busy 
puUin' my door handles he told me th' answer 
himself. Says he, *They don't mind how funny 
they look when they're settin' so long's they 
look like their pants is creased when they stand 
up.' An' then he laugh so hard he set me 
to thinkin'. 

" Most all th' fellows I see on my car 
hitch their breeches away up so their socks 
show. They don't mind how funny they look. 
They cross their legs an' sit all humped in like 
bums on a park bench. But th' minute they 
get up, you see 'em straighten out an' shake 
their foot an' step off with th' creases showin' 
fine. You wouldn't think that dude walkin' 
along so nice with his pants pressed was set- 

39 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



tin* a minute ago with 'em rolled up to his 
knees lookin' like a gawk out wadin'. Th' old 
codger talkin' to me said when he was a boy, 
it was a sign of hand-me-down clothes to see 
a crease in 'em. 

" This settin' with your pants all pulled 
up from th' bottom half th' day so you can 
look good th' other half is just like us Amer- 
icans. Lizzie's mother does her washin' on 
Monday. She used to get all her dirty clothes 
together Sunday night but now she gathers 
'em up Saturdays. She gets through washin' 
quicker Mondays, she says. I told her if she 
gathered 'em up Fridays an' washed Saturdays 
she'd have Monday for a holiday. Old uncle 
Bob says * save at th' spigot, run out th' bung.' 

" You can't rest yourself walkin' up a movin' 
stairway. It's like pushin' on th' lines when 
you're drivin' a horse. The horse don't mind. 
You ain't shovin' him. 

" Down town local, all stops to City Hall ! 

" Plenty o' seats in the forward end! 

" All aboard. Come on, come on ! 

"Watch your step!" 

40 



OLD FOLKS LIKE TO BE IN TH' SWIM 

" You ain't no older'n you feel. I tell y' 
people don't die o' old age. They get killed 
or else get pushed off. I been watchin' 'em. 

" They's too much fun goin' on for peo- 
ple to want to die. But young folks let old 
folks get lonesome too much. Don't you 
know old person's live longer if you treat 'em 
like they was young? Now Lizzie's mother 
acts about thirty years old, an' she'll never 
see sixty agin. The reason is Lizzie don't 
do nothin' to push 'er off. When they's any 
shoppin' to do, Lizzie just hollers out * Come 
on, girlie, get your goloshes on an' let's go see 
th' movies.' An' when they come home an' 
her maw says * Now Lizzie, I'm goin' to make 
some o' them beaten biscuit your Uncle 
Henry's so fond of ' she don't holler out ' Aw, 
go set down, mother dear, an' I'll get supper,' 

41 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



no, sir, she says * Fine, maw, you do that, an' 
I'll set th' table an' wash th' dishes/ 

" That makes old folks young. Take 'em 
right in on th' ground floor. Don't let 'em 
think they ain't it any more. How'd you like 
to have some grown up kid you'd raised 
without a bottle tell you to go set down an' 
twiddle your thumbs. That's pushin' 'em off, 
that is. You might as well shove 'em off th' 
end o' th' dock or chloroform 'em. I hate 
to see old people workin' 'emselves blind for 
some miserable grown up children, but them 
kind live a blame sight longer'n old ones 
you don't let do nothin'. They's more people 
rust out'n wear out. Be a good pal to 'em. 

" You ain't got no cinch stayin' young your- 
self. An' you won't like that brat o' your'n 
to bark at you, * Go set down, gramp,' all th' 
time. 

" Sixty-six, next ! Next Sixty-six ! 

" Come ahead, all aboard ! 

" Plenty o' room inside ! 

" Get away from th' door, please ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

42 



SMALL MONEY SPLITS WAGES 

" They tell me Uncle Sam is goin* to make half- 
cent pieces for us workin' people. That ain't 
go in' to help any. Things that sell for 12 1-2 
now an' two for a quarter, will get marked 
12 3-4 an' your half cent won't keep that from 
being 13. Hens will get 27 3-4 cents a dozen 
now for cold storage eggs. That's 55 1-2 
'stead of 55 cents for two dozen, but it'll help 
th' poor slot machine people. I see they're 
kickin' about it already, an' saying it'll ruin 
'em, an' they'll have to change all their ma- 
chines to fit th' new money. Take it from me, 
they'll never touch them gold mines. They'll 
put new ones right 'longside of 'em an' get all 
your half pennies before you get home. 

" Lizzie's Uncle Henry says it's a sign a 
country's gettin' old when they split money 
smaller. He says in a new country nothin' 

43 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



goes less than a nickel. When it's old enough 
to have poor houses and aldermen, they get 
out pennies. An' over where women and chil- 
dren have to work, they get pfennigs and far- 
things. Down in old China, a pig tailed geezer 
only gets 2 cash a day, he says, an' it takes 46 
cash to buy a bottle o' milk. Money's a bother 
anyway. Why don't they run th' country like 
th' subway? Make everybody pay his nickel 
'fore he goes through the gate an' then give 
'em all th' ride they want. Let th' big ones 
have th' money. Everytime a kid's born let 
th' government pay for it's keep an' chalk th' 
kid a white mark for livin' well an' soak him 
for goin' wrong. Birds an' snakes don't waste 
time tradin' half cent pieces with each other. 
An' they have their own nests an' holes, too. 

"Course, they don't pay dividends to a 
bunch o' phoney ones that hain't either flyin' 
or crawlin'. 

" Times Square ! Grand Central, next ! 

" Step forward, please ! Don't crowd the 
doorway ! 

"Watch your step!" 

44 



YOU CAN'T PLEASE A KICKER 



"Kick, dum ye, kick! I don't care. You 
come downtown all squgeed to kick an' I 
s'pose you got to get it out o' your system. 

" If I had a dog growlin' around like some 
men do all day, I'd give him croton oil. Here 
it is a sunshiny day, an' th' trees in th' park 
look like a picture book. That old man 
yowled at a fellow that beat him into my car, 
an' yowled at me for slammin' th' door, an' 
said us conductors ought to wear a ball an' 
chain, an' he hollered 'cause some girl's hat 
pin was too long an' looked cross enough be- 
tween uptown an' down to sour a milk train. 
Now he's bow-wowin' about how slow we 
run. Say, you just can't please some people. 

" Don't argue with a kicker. That's what he 
wants. He's been practicin' up while you 
been actin' like a human bein'. Just laugh at 

45 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



him. It makes 'im wild first, but he comes to 
like a fellow that's had a fit. Th' trouble with 
a real kicker is he don't know when to stop. 
He keeps on kickin' long after he's got any use 
to. Did y' ever kick at a dog an' miss it an' 
jerk your leg almost out of joint? Did y' 
ever go upstairs in th' dark, prancin' high, 
an' go climbin' for th' step on top th' top 
step? Lizzie's aunt bit her tongue off that 
way onct. Just a piece of it. That's th' 
way a kicker feels if he kicks all th' time. 

"But it's a good thing some people kick. 
Th' grafters would have stole th' City Hall 
long ago if it wasn't for th' kickers. It ain't 
'cause kickers is so honest. It's 'cause they 
like to kick, an' thy don't want th' other fellow 
to get away with it. You know th' kid that 
falls off th' wagon always hollers * Whip be- 
hind ' to the driver, so his buddie'U get licked 
off. No, kickin's no thing to brag about. 

" Eighteenth next, next Eighteenth ! 

"Be careful gettin' off! 

"Both doors, both doors! 

" Watch your step ! " 

46 



IS EVERYBODY FOR SALE? 

i 

" I got a buddy that's a detective. He's in 
one of th' hotels on Broadway. They call him 
th' 'house man' but he's a sure enough de- 
tective. He's got a star an' if he'd arrest you, 
it'd be th' same as if a cop would. He's on 
his job night times. Him an' me's got th' 
same room. Only he sleeps in it after I've 
gone to work. That fellow's smarter'n a steel 
trap. Lizzie don't like him. She got peeved 
at him one night when we was all eatin' to- 
gether an' Danny said (Danny Lynch, that's 
his name) every man had his price. He said 
he knowed it, 'cause he'd bought lots of 'em. 
I didn't get mad at him, like Lizzie did. He 
didn't mean it th' way she took it. You see 
he's just like a fellow workin' all th' time in 
th' stock yards. He couldn't smell a bouquet 
if you soaked it in hair oil. You know a good 

47 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



bird dog runs around with his nose to th* 
ground all th' time, lookin' for bird tracks. 
That's Danny. If a bird dog'd run into a 
bunch o' singin' canaries, an' flush 'em, an' 
you wouldn't shoot their yellow heads off, that 
dog'd quit you for a coward. Lizzie says to 
him, * Dan, you got a evil mind. I'd hate to 
think you had your price, an* I know Jerry 
ain't got his. Have you, Jerry? ' An' I says 

* No, no, I ain't. Not since I knowed you. 
You got me bought an' paid for. I'd swim th' 
river for you.' Danny laughed so hard he 
choked on a bean in his soup, an' he says, 

* There I told you every man had his price.' 
An' Lizzie says right out loud so's everybody 
heard it, * That ain't what price means. Price 
means somebody can get you if they offer 
more. An' nobody can get Jerry away from 
me.' Lizzie's right. She ain't got no price. 
She's got a copper rivet cinch. 

" Bleecker, Bleecker ! Spring, next ! 
" Stand back, an' let 'em off! 
" Don't stand on th' platform! 
" Watch your step ! " 

48 



DON'T BE A RAIN CROW 



"I caught 'Lizzie cryin' last night, when I 
went to see her, an' it didn't take me long to 
find out her sister been tellin' her somethin' 
mean some other girl said about her. That 
sister o' Lizzie's a regular rain crow. You 
know them crows always fly around cawin* 
just before it begins to sprinkle. You can tell 
it's goin' to splatter pretty soon i£ you hear 
'em croakin'. It may be a hour 'fore they's 
any rain, but durin' that whole time them 
crows won't let you forget your fun's gonna 
be spoiled. I ain't got no use for a rain crow. 
Every time you hear 'em, it aggravates you 
worse'n rain does when it comes. Sister's 
one o' them kind. She couldn't hear a good 
thing if you lock her in a room with a phono- 
graph playin' th' Lord's Prayer. But if any- 
body talks nasty about anybody else sister's 

49 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



right there with both ears, an' she's plumb out 
o' breath gettin' home to tell it to Lizzie. Me 
an' her don't gee a little bit. Sister's brains 
is curdled. She's so 'fraid 't won't rain all th' 
time, she's got crows beat to death cawin'. 
If anybody'd hand that girl a bouquet to give 
you, she'd say they sent it for your funeral. 
She gets so mad tellin' what some knocker said 
about you, you wonder why she didn't get 
mad at th' knocker. But that ain't sister. 
She'll purr like a tabby cat to get th' knocker 
to talkin', an' eggs her on by sayin', * You 
don't say? Ain't it awful? ' Crows ain't 
much good anyway, let alone rain crows. No- 
body minds gettin' wet, but you hate to get 
told all th' time you're goin' to get wet an' 
then have 'em tell you how wet you got. I'd 
rather be a old hen layin' one egg anytime 'n 
be a rain crow. 

" Spring Street, Spring ! Canal next ! 

"Watch out gettin' off! 

" Wait for 'em, don't get on yet ! 

" Now, come along, all aboard ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

50 



JIG TUNES MAKE YOU EAT 

" Sunday night I took 'Lizzie to a restaurant. 
I always blow myself Sunday nights. Th' 
orchestra was playin' * Old Black Joe * when 
v/e went in, an' th' people looked like they 
didn't want nothin' to eat. An' when we 
come out they played * Darlin', I am Growin' 
Old.' Durin' th' meal, a girl sang a awful sad 
song. It kinda made a lump in my throat an' 
Lizzie said her coffee was so hot it made tears 
come. Th' waiter said they called th' piece 
th' * Rosary ' an' it always made him think 
he'd done somethin' wrong. You know, I 
ain't goin' there agin 'less I get Lizzie's 
mother to go along. She's awfully fond o' 
goin' to funerals. It'll be a treat for her. 
But Lizzie says she can eat more if they play 
somethin' lively. I guess quick tunes makes 
your blood run fast an' tickles your appetite. 

51 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



I bet I could eat till I need a doctor if they 
play ' Turkey in th' Straw ' all th' time. Th' 
minute they start slow music, I want a glass of 
water. That's why railroad eatin' houses 
make so much money. They keep tootin' an' 
ringin' all about so you get excited an' 
swaller pie an' cake an' things when you only 
want a sandwich. That's th' game. 

" If I had a restaurant, my fiddlers wouldn't 
get paid for slow tunes. An' if a singer war- 
bled ' Home Sweet Home,' I'd soak her a dol- 
lar every time anybody quit eatin' an' went out. 
But it's easy swallowin', when you listen to a 
jig. It tickles you so anythin' tastes good. I 
ate a whole pie once, without thinkin', 'cause I 
was laughin' at a fellow's hat that blowed into 
a horse's face. They's enough to cry about in 
this world without payin' for a table cloth to 
cry on. Any guy's food muscles work better 
on ragtime an' waltzes. Nobody can eat when 
he's snivellin*. 

" Canal Street ! Worth, next ! 

" Let 'em out please, let 'em out ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

52 



STOP WHEN YOU HEAR *WHOA'! 

" * Ding, ding ' is a go-ahead signal every 
place. It only takes one * ding ' to stop. You 
know they's a reason for that. You got to be 
ready to go ahead. You're always ready to 
stop. Bein' ready is th' whole thing. A 
fresh guy pulled my bell cord * ding, ding ' last 
Tuesday 'fore I could see all the people was 
on, an' th' motorman started. We drug a old 
lady forty feet 'fore I could stop her. We 
wasn't ready. Look at that Titanic every- 
body talked about. She was th' whole thing 
on th' water. When she left over there with 
2,000 people, they gave her two bells in 
such a hurry they forgot th' spy glasses an' th' 
feller on th' front couldn't see icebergs nor 
nuthin'. And there she was goin' licketty 
split. So a lot o' people drowned just 'cause 
th' * ding-ding ' was give to 'em when they 

53 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



wasn't ready. Stoppin' comes when you ain't 
lookin' for it. If you're a motorman runnin' 
fast, your eyes full o' red an' green lights, an' 
your bell goes * ding ' you can't wait to see 
how many more * dings ' is comin'. You 
just stop. Most people don't know one 
* ding ' means stop. They keep lookin' for 
more bells to ring. If their eyes pain 'em, 
they keep right on readin' papers on th' train. 
They go blind just 'cause they didn't mind th' 
one * ding ' an' stop. They keep naggin' their 
wife 'til some day she says, * Another word an' 
I'll quit you ! ' Now that's one bell. Does 
he mind it ? Not him. An' 'en she quits him. 
An' if a mut swipes change from somebody 
that ain't lookin', an' feels sore at himself for 
doin' it, that's one bell. If he don't mind, it's 
th' stone bedroom for him. He don't know 
his signals. 

" Worth Street ! Worth Street ! 

" Yes, ma'am, this is nearest to th' Tombs ! 

" Watch your step ! " 



54 



DARWIN NEVER CHEWED GUM 

" Where does all th' chewin' gum go to, peo- 
ple chew? You never hear of it any more. 
Every time we pull by a station I see people 
drawin' some out a slot machine an' chuckin' 
it in their faces. Now just look down that 
car an' see their jaws workin'. Gabby peo- 
ple mostly chew gum. It gives 'em a appe- 
tite for words. They got their mouths open 
an' so they say it. Th' fellow that's listenin' 
to 'em ain't got £iny gum. You can always tell 
a tight wad. He's a good listener. Did you 
every try to borrow money from anybody an' 
he just listened an' listened, an' you told how 
bad you needed it an' how good you could pay 
it back? When you got done talkin', an' he 
ain't said a word, you wouldn't loaned your- 
self money if you had it, you felt that mean. 
I don't see why deaf an' dumb people ain't all 

55 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



rich. Gum chewers is easy marks. Workin' 
their jaws keeps 'em from gettin' mad an' 
thinkin' hard. Ball players chew gum. 
Bankers don't. If you get a down and out 
man to chew gum, he won't shoot himself. 
He couldn't till he finished his gum an' then 
he's changed his mind. I always thought 
that fellow Darwin was wrong when he 
said men come from monkeys. 

" I only know one kind of animal you can 
walk up to an' ask for a chew an' that's a 
cow or a billy goat. Animals with horns that 
eats grass likes to chew without swallerin'. 
You never see a dog or a rooster chew for fun. 
A rooster ain't got no teeth anyway an' a dog 
chews for keeps. Horses don't chew, snakes 
just swaller their food an' if you give a monkey 
a stick of wax or a chew of tobacco, he'd spit 
it out. No sir, old man Darwin got th' wrong 
dope. He never saw Lizzie chew gum. 

"Brooklyn Bridge! Change for Express! 

"City Hall local! City Hall! 

" Be careful gettin' on ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

56 



THEM WAS GOOD OL' DAYS 

" I struck a old codger to-day whinin' about 
th' * good old times ' an' I just thought I'd take 
a fall out o' him, so I says, * Mister, what d'you 
miss nowadays you had in them good old 
days you talk so much about? ' An' he says, 
* My boy, you got more comfort in them days 
out a dollar's worth o' somethin' 'n you get 
now for a hundred dollars.' He says, 'I 
tell ye, they was honest men in them days, an' 
they wasn't watchin' to skin ye every time ye 
turned around.' I says, * Grandpaw, us hu- 
mans always had cheatin' horse traders an' 
lightnin' rod peddlers.' No country gets 
along without 'em. Them old days look 
gooder just because you forget what you was 
worryin' over them times. You had smallpox 
in cold weather an' yellow fever in hot 
months, an' you had cholera chasin' you one 

57 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



year an' grasshoppers th' next. You pretty 
near shook th' house down with chills and 
fever, an' th' richest man in town was th' old 
doctor. You went to bed early 'cause you 
didn't have no light but a old candle. No- 
body took a bath 'cept kids in summer time. 
You couldn't bought a ice cream sody with a 
ten dollar bill. If a fellow was sick with fever, 
they couldn't feed him ice 'cause nobody had 
it. Everybody got sunstruck in summer an' 
chilblains in winter. Mad dogs was common 
an' if one of 'em bit a fellow, his family sent 
for th' undertaker. It's a wonder they didn't 
take consumptives out an' shoot 'em. They 
never had a chance to go get the mornin' paper 
off th' porch an' read th' news before break- 
fast. They was lucky if they got to read a 
almanac an' Pilgrim's Progress. Oh, them 
was good old days, I don't think. 

" Look out for that step gettin' off, grand- 
paw! 

" Let 'em off first! Let 'em off! 

" Express to West Farms ! Bronx Express ! 

" Watch your step I " 

58 



BARE-ARMED WOMEN WANT YOU TO 
LOOK AT 'EM 



" You can tell spring's come by th' short 
sleeves. An' I notice more nice ladies stand 
up an' hang on the straps now, too. I 
guess they want to put it over th' skinny 
bunch that wears their sleeves long. But 
my, my, how mad a woman gets if sh' 
catches a man eyeing her pretty arm. She'll 
stand for th' whole car gawkin' at her if she 
thinks no particular one of 'em is doin' it. 
She wants every fellow to see her arm but she 
don't want him to see her catch him at it ! So 
th' wise guys steal a look at th' dimples in her 
elbow an' go on readin' about murders an' di- 
vorces. 

" One swell girl wanted me to have a fel- 
low pinched who was lookin' at her arm like 
he had a boil on his neck, but I was awful deaf 

59 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



that morning. She knew when she got on 
this car it wasn't full o' blind men. An' if she 
didn't want that guy to see how plump her arm 
was, she ought to wear sleeves like her 
grandma does. It looks to me, when a woman 
wears short sleeves an' shows her arms in pub- 
lic sh' says to everybody, * Them's th' kind of 
arms I got. Can you beat it? ' So I couldn't 
blame th' fellow for lookin'. An' says I to my- 
self, sh' ain't half as mad as she lets on. Sure 
enough, she got off fixin' her hatpin, with both 
arms up in th' air all th' way to th' stairs. 

" Woman is a awful funny creature, anyway. 
If you don't pay no attention to 'em, they get 
peeved, an' if you pay too much, they call you 
fresh. Anyway, I like to see hot weather an' 
short sleeves. 

" Up town local ! All stops to the Bronx ! 

*^ Move up in th' center of th' car ! 

" Step in out of th' way, please ! 

" Watch your step ! " 



60 



THEY OUGHT TO BE THEATERS FOR 
WISE GUYS 



" I took Lizzie out to see a show last night. 
We got good seats for fifty cents right up- 
stairs. We hadn't more'n set down 'fore a 
man 'n a woman behind us knew all about th* 
show. If they sprung any new gag on him, he 
hollered * rotten ' an' he told th' old gags be- 
fore th' actors did. She tried to shut him up, 
but he wanted to get his money's worth tellin' 
us. I was so bothered I couldn't make out 
what th' show was about. I wish they was 
some theater where green horns like me could 
go see a show by ourselves. Mebbe we could 
get into that feller's class then an' go to 
his kind of shows an' tell other people what 
was comin' next. They ought to have boxes 
for them people like telephone booths with 
glass windows where we could see 'em wiggle 

6i 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



an' couldn't hear 'em talk. I'd pay extra to see 
that feller buck an' gag if you couldn't hear 
him cuss. Why don't them class of people 
form a second nine an' play against th' real 
actors? I'd bet they get all 'ats comin' to 
'em. You know I kind-a feel bad for actors. 
It ain't easy to make people laugh unless you 
give 'em money or fall down on a banana peel. 
They was a fellow come out on th' stage with 
a line o' fast talk that had jokes in it. He told 
'em good. I tried not to laugh but I couldn't 
help it. But me an' Lizzie was almost th' 
only ones that laughed. Th' other people sat 
there all swelled up, never crackin' a smile. 
They looked like they dared him to make 'em 
laugh, an' by jing, he couldn't. 

"I'd hate to make my livin' scarin' peo- 
ple. But it's a heap easier than makin' 'em 
laugh. 

*' Grand Central ! Next, Seventy-second ! 

" Don't stand in th' doorway ! All out ! 

*^ Express to Bronx Park! 

" Watch your step ! " 



62 



WOMEN'S GOT DYNAMITE IN 'EM 
JUS' LIKE MEN 

" Did you hear th' gentleman who got off 
kickin' about women in poHtics? Some o' 
these old geezers think nobody's got 
any sense till he's got whiskers an' a Adam's 
apple. We push women into everythin' 
from teachin' school to takin' a man's job in 
th' mill. We send girls to college till they 
got brains like boys. We learn 'em to run 
automobiles an' sail a boat. It ain't no won- 
der they know a grafter when they see one. 
An' it ain't half as hard for a woman to spot a 
fellow that can act white, as it used to be. 
Women's got more sense in pickin' an' 
choosin' anyway. They got all th' brains th' 
colleges got an' horse sense besides. You 
can't keep a woman with a dynamo inside of 
her darnin' socks, 'an talkin' over th' back 

63 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



fence. Better wake up an' let 'em cut loose 
in politics. I tell you you waste their snap 
in tryin* to keep 'em fryin' eggs an' washin' 
dishes. Give 'em a * look-in ' on what's doin' 
with their wages an' their kids, an' you'll 
double both of 'em. I hear a bunch o' women 
on my car Saturday gabbin' away like ball 
players raggin' a umpire. They was talkin' 
about tariff on clothes. Say, them women 
knew what they was talkin' about more'n any 
political grafters you ever see. 

" Nowdays war is foolish. Men used to fight 
half th' time an' then split up what they was 
fightin' about. That's th' way politics started. 
An' when th' men don't fight, they ain't got 
no business runnin' politics. Most women is 
as full o' ginger as men. If you keep 'em at 
home, you're just keepin' dynamite in th' 
house. Let 'em out so they can blow up an' 
not wreck nothing. 

" Seventy-second ! Change for Express ! 

" Lenox local ! All stops ! 

" Let 'em out please ! 

"Watch your step!" 

64 



SOMETHING FOR NOTHIN* 

" You know you can ride all day long for a 
nickel in th' subway ! All you got to do is to 
get out at some express station, cross over to 
th' other platform an' ride back agin. Nobody 
does it much. Takes all th* fun out of it when 
you know th' subway don't care. Don't you 
remember when th' horse cars had slot ma- 
chines in front, an' no conductor, an' you was 
s'posed to drop your nickel? Th' driver got 
a stiff neck lookin' back all th' time to see how 
many honest people was ridin*. So long as 
some people think they're beatin' a game, 
they'll stick to it. I went to Atlantic City once 
an' walked up to a Saratogy spring fountain. 
I see a sign * 5 cents ' an' people all a-pushin' to 
get some. I lays down my nickel an' th' boy 
gives me a high glass o* water. After I 
downed it an' shoved th' glass back, another 

65 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



boy took my empty an' hands me a full one. 
* Gee,' says I to myself, * he thinks I just paid 
an' hain't had one yet.' So I swipes th' fresh 
one an' swallowed that. Dinged if he didn't 
push another glass at me when I put down my 
second empty. I was beginnin' to get full, 
but it tickled me so to beat them suckers I 
stayed at th' game 'til I almost bloated. 
Honest, I felt like th' Croton reservoir, an' had 
to renig on th' fifth glass. It made me feel 
bully to know I got four big drinks extra out 
of them grafters, 'til I looked at th' sign agin 
an' I see it said * Five Cents for all you can 
Drink.' Now that was a shame. Here I filled 
up till I gagged just 'cause I thought it was 
beatin' 'em. Ain't it funny that a bargain ain't 
a bargain unless you skin th' other fellow? 

"Ninety-sixth! Ninety-sixth! Change for 
Broadway ! 

" Don't stand in the doorway! 

"Watch your step!" 



66 



COSTS MONEY TO HAVE "AUTO 
LEG" 

"He's got *auto leg.' That's what's eatin' 
that fellow. When I was a kid them kind o' 
people had hay fever. If one of us got to 
sneezin' we just had a cold. Then them guys 
commenced to get their 'pendixes cut out. 
Us workin' people bought paregoric an' kept 
our names out o' th' paper. Now they get 
* auto leg ! ' They's more ginks got that dis- 
ease than they is autos. If a fellow owns a 
car an' gets 'auto leg' he gets cured easy. 
He can bust th' speed limit or kill a rooster an' 
he'll get his leg pulled, all right, all right. But 
them sports that ain't got no auto, an' only 
has auto leg, got to go to th' springs to get 
cured. I had auto leg myself last sum- 
mer. My feet got to hurtin'. Lizzie laughed 
at me an' said I had kidney feet. My shoes 

67 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



was full o' feet. So I goes to a swell doc- 
tor, an' he listens to my heart beat an' says, 
* My boy, you get up early every mornin' an' 
take a long horseback ride in th' country.' 
Says I, * Doc, I bet I get up so early no horse 
I know is woke up yet, an' if I had a ridin' 
horse I wouldn't be puUin' bell ropes an' 
hoUerin' streets.' Doctors ain't got no busi- 
ness to tell people such things. I'd ruther he 
said to me, * Aw ferget it,' an' gimme a belt on 
th' back. So I got mad at him an' I went to 
th' company doctor. When I told him my 
feet hurt, he says to me, * Did you ever try 
washin' 'em?' By jing, that man can tell 
what's th' matter with anybody. I told him I 
had auto leg an' he says, ' No, you got bow 
legs.' He's on to me, all right. You got to 
have a roll o' bills in your pocket that'd choke 
a sewer to have auto leg. 

"Hunderd Thirty-fifth! Mott Avenue, 
next! 

" Both doors, both doors, please ! 

"Step lively gettin' ojEE! 

" Watch your step ! " 

68 



LOOKIN' GLASSES MAKES A HIT 



"A fellow was tellin' me to-day 'bout some 
wise judge over in Yorkville police court 
gonna put a big lookin' glass in th* next room 
to where he fines th' bums, an' th' judge was 
goin' to make them hoboes go out an' look at 
their pickled faces. He thinks that'll cure 
'em. That judge don't know nothin'. Rub- 
ber neckin' in a lookin' glass don't shame no- 
body of his looks. It makes a woman pat her 
back hair an' shove in her hairpins, an' it al- 
ways makes a man swell up an' think he's th' 
candy, every time. That's what keeps saloons 
from goin' out o' business. You couldn't get 
a jag in a bar room if you wasn't lookin' into 
a 40-foot lookin' glass. That's why most fel- 
lows don't like to go to church. They can't 
set that long an' not see their faces. If a 
church had lookin' glasses on its inside, you'd 

69 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



go early to get in. I can't get Lizzie past one 
o' them 5 & 10 cent windows. I like 'em too, 
'cause you know how you look. 

"An' don't you get in your head that any 
fellow don't like his own looks. I see a fel- 
low with a face like a horse run up to a slot 
machine with a lookin' glass on it. Say, that 
guy near looked a hole in that there glass. 
Thinks I to myself, he'll pull out a razor an' 
shave himself, he's so tickled. You see every- 
body thinks he's just about right on looks. 
That horse faced man knows he's th' right pat- 
tern for a human bein'. He never gets tired 
o' his face, an' you can't put enough lookin' 
glasses in th' subway to worry him. No, sir, 
that judge ain't goin' to make any drunk 
shamed o' his face. A fellow's face is a birth- 
day present an' he likes to know it's on him all 
th' time. 

" Mott Avenue ! Mott Avenue ! 

"Look out, gettin' off! 

" Both doors, both doors! 

"Watch your step!" 



.70 



TAIN'T NEITHER BLONDES OR 
BRUNETTES 

" Danny Lynch told me last night he seen in 
th* paper all blonde women start things they 
can't finish, an' all brunette ladies finish things 
they can't start. He said that must be true, 
'cause at th' hotel on Broadway where he's 
house man all th' chambermaids is dark col- 
ored an' all th' house keepers is light. Th' 
light ones tell th' smoky ones what to do, an' 
they do it. By th' time they get that did, 
th' light ones tell 'em what else they can do. I 
got started thinkin' about that, an' I must 
have blonde blood in me. I can't finish. 
Seems to me he ain't counted on th' most im- 
portant women they is. That's th' red headed 
ones. They beat th' blondes an' brunettes 
to death. If a girl is a blonde nowdays you 
ain't sure if it's a birthday present her mother 

71 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



give her, or mebbe she bought it an' give it to 
herself. If she's a real dark brunette, mebbe 
her father's name was Sambo. You ain't 
never sure. But a real red headed girl, with 
them big freckles, an' blue eyes don't have 
no' 'pologies to make. Talk about startin' 
things an' finishin' things. You never seen 
a red headed old maid in all your life. 
You never seen one that couldn't put it all 
over white faced blondes an' muddy faced 
women. If them suffragettes got any sense, 
they'd put all their sorrel top, freckle faced 
women in front. Them are th' women that's 
got our number. Red headed girls ain't buyin' 
face paint an' hair dye all th' time. They ain't 
got false faces. I'm strong for 'em. Lizzie's 
got th' purtiest red hair you ever see. 

"Jackson, Jackson! Next Prospect, Pros- 
pect next! 

" Don't stop in th' doorway! 

" Keep on movin' up th' car ! Plenty room 
forward ! 

"Watch your step!" 



7^ 



TEASE 'EM WITH ICE CREAM 



" Them suffragettes is at it all th' time over 
in London'. I*d ruther be a umpire givin' 
rottin' decisions dead agin th' Giants when 
they're losin' at th' Polo Grounds 'n be them 
English parliament fellers. 

"I hear some guy say on th' car to-day 
them London police arrest some women for 
rock throwin' or playin' fire bug, an' take 'em 
to jail an' pump food down 'em. When they 
can't make 'em swaller it they turn 'em 
loose. That's why them women doesn't stay 
in jail. What's th' matter with them bob- 
bies? If I was tumkeep an' they throwed 
in a bunch o' ladies lookin' for me to squirt 
pie down their gizzards, I'd fool 'em. They'd 
get their dinner took to 'em all right, but 
I sure wouldn't waste any time pokin' it 
down. So they couldn't make any fuss about 

73 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



it, I'd get Lizzie to make some tomato salad 
with thick yellow gravy all over it, an' I'd lay 
a plate o' that with strawberry ice cream right 
under their noses. If them suffragettes made 
snoots at it, an' hollered * scab ' at me, I'd say, 
' Lady bugs, don't hold your breath till you 
get angel food, 'cause I ain't gonna get it.' 
They couldn't do that foolishness in this coun- 
try. Might as well try to bumfoozle y'ur 
grocer into sellin' a box o' sardines an' a 
sack o' flour without any money by tellin' him 
you'd throw a fit right on th' counter if he 
didn't. You might start th' fit on th' counter 
but you finish on th' sidewalk. So long's 
them English cops keep chokin' food down 
them women an' turnin' 'em loose for not 
swallerin' it, they'll keep them storekeepers 
hoUerin' * fire ' an' * bloody murder.' 

"Freeman Street! Next is Simpson! 
Simpson next! 

" This way out, lady ! 

" Stand aside, an' let 'em off, please ! 

" Watch your step ! " 



74 



GET OFF MY BACK! 



** Now that election's over an' people com- 
mence tellin' th' truth agin, let's get down to 
th' bottom o' this high cost o' livin'. You 
want me to tell you what's the matter with 
us? We're ridin' each other's back. That's 
what makes livin' cost so high. If you get 
off my back an' I get off your back an' th' 
other guys get off our backs, we'll all eat tur- 
key. Here I'm holdin' down a job openin' 
an' closin' doors lettin' you in an' out this car, 
an' dingin' a bell to start it. You know where 
I ought to be? I ought to be out growin' 
somethin' to eat or wear. You know why I 
ain't, don't you? It's 'cause this job looks easy 
to me. I get my money, an' no headache with 
it. 

"You needn't talk! What you doin'? I 
bet you're just hangin' on to a job helpin' some 

75 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



big stiff get much as he can without givin' 
much for it. What's gonna keep the cost o' 
livin' down with half th' people tryin' to cheat 
th' other half out o' what their old man left 
or what they raised theirself? We got 
enough town lots with bill boards on 'em 
to raise potatoes to burn. If th' four flushers 
boardin' in hotels an' city flats get out an' 
tickle th' back yard with a hoe for awhile, 
they'd know where garden sass comes from. 
Most of 'em thinks it grows in refrigerators. 
An' if these women spendin' their time 
bleachin' their back hair get out an' learn to 
bleach celery, they'd know what makes livin' 
cost so much. It ain't 'cause food is harder to 
grow'n it used to be. They's more people to 
feed an' not so many people growin' it. Ridin' 
always did cost more money 'n walkin'. 

" Next stop, West Farms ! West Farms, 
next! 

" Don't stand in th' doorway ! Move for- 
ward, please ! 

" Step lively ! All aboard ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

76 



DO YOU GET SUMMER MISERY? 

" Where'd you go this summer? You didn't? 
Why didn't you? Everybody else did. That's 
th' only reason I know of. It's th' summer 
panic. You don't want to let your wife an' 
children think you can't run fast as th' neigh- 
bors. 

" I know a fellow that clerks for th' Gas 
Company. He's got four kids an' ninety dol- 
lars a month. Every time hot weather comes 
you can see him weaken. I ask him this year 
which it was, th' seashore or th' mountains for 
him. He says, *I tell you, Jerry, it's just 
this way. They're all doin' it, an' you got to 
go if you don't want your kids to feel 'shamed 
o' their daddy an' th' old woman stay on th' ice 
wagon for life. I don't mind payin' fare to th' 
country but I don't see where th' joy comes in. 
They put up at th' worst joint you ever see. If 

.77. 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



that summer boardin' house was in our block, 
my wife wouldn't speak to anybody that went 
to it. I got a week off last year an' joined 'em. 
They lived on canned tomatoes an' meat that 
tasted like a boiled derby hat. It was too 
hot to go out any day I was there. Mos- 
quitos worked day an' night. My wife broke 
her ankle fallin' off a chair. She was killin' 
spiders on th' ceilin' with her shoe. Had to 
do it every night. But my folks had to stay. 
We let on it's fine. Where you goin' this 
summer, Jerry ? ' I told him if I had to chase 
off an' spend all I got just to prove I didn't 
dare stay at home, I'm glad I can't. Every 
married man I know has got this vacation 
bug. Most of 'em ain't afraid of nothin', but 
they all fall for this summer misery. Some 
day, when their neighbors go 'way for the 
summer, they'll be tickled to death an' live 
cooler, have more fun an' sleep sounder than 
they do all winter. 

"West Farms! All out! Last stop! 

" Look where you're goin' ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

78 



DON'T BLOW 'BOUT WHAT YOU 
USED TO BE 



"They ain't nothin' so dead as yesterday. 
Lots o' people don't know that. You hear 'em 
blowin' aroun' what happened to 'em eight 
years ago last Monday like it was goin' on to- 
day. When I hear a guy tellin' how he put 
it over somebody last year, says I to myself, 
'That mut's a dead one an' don't know it.' 
"Nobody cares who you was last week. 
They want to know who you are to-day noon. 
You might blow a little 'bout what you're 
gonna do to-morrow, but if you want a audi- 
ence to listen to what you did last year, go talk 
out in th' cemetery. Them tombstones got 
plenty o' time to hear all about it an' you get 
more whistlin' an' cheerin' out o' them 'n you 
do from live ones. Take it from me, nobody 
cares three whoops who you was. You can 

79 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



fool yourself by lookin' at your picture in th* 
album but th' other guys shut their eyes when 
you show it to them. If you did anythin' 
worth while an' got real stuff in you, you 
keep so busy gettin' ahead right now, you for- 
get you had a album. They's only one thing 
people remember 'bout a man unless he's dead, 
an' that is, how hard can he punch right now. 
Nobody can remember th' horse Maud S. beat. 

" Quit livin' last winter. Try this one. 
Did y' ever drink fizz water left out in a glass 
over night? Tastes like a rubber boot. 
That's th' kind of a taste you make in every- 
body's mouth when you tell 'em who you licked 
last year. If everybody bragged about what 
he used to be, they wouldn't be breath enough 
left to * Hello ' in a telephone. 

"Hunderd'n Tenth! Next Ninety-six! 
Ninety-six, next! 

" Don't stand in th' doorway ! 

" Move up, move up, plenty o' room up 
front ! 

" Watch your step ! " 



80 



WATCH THE NEW " SOUSE " 
WAGONS 

" If you want a good souse, without gettin' a 
dollar an' costs next mornin,' go to Jersey 
City. Th' Salvation Army got a big movin' 
wagon an' a telephone, so when a guy spills 
himself all over th* sidewalk, they call th' 
souse wagon, an' them Salvation soldiers puts 
him to bed. Mr. Souse wakes up in th' 
mornin' with a clean nightie on an' a Bible 
trac' in his hand. That'd sober most any fel- 
low. That'll put th' damper on booze, all 
right. Half th' fun o' gettin' spiflicated comes 
from guessin' mebbe you land in th' calli- 
boose. If they go to moUycoddlin' a drunk 
like he was plain sick, that settles it. No real 
sport'll ever touch another drop. 

" How you gonna fix it with them booze 

8i 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



fighters that has ' hang-overs? ' Don't you 
know what a * hang-over' is? It's when you 
keep wantin' more hair of th' dog to cure th' 
bite with. Th' only sure cure for * hang- 
overs ' so far is to have 'em put their tin cup 
through th' bars th' next momin' so's th' 
trusty pours hot chickory in it an' hancjs 'em 
a chunk o' sour dough tastin' like a mule's 
foot mat. If you don't want to eat it, set on 
your lower berth till supper time, an' th' jailer'll 
send it 'round agin. But say, if they gonna 
tuck them souses in a trundle bed an' make 
'em say * Now I lay me,' believe me, they bet- 
ter watch 'em. I bet milkmen see more bare 
legged souses with nighties on tryin' to bust 
into saloons by sun-up than they ever seen. 

" I'm gonna watch that souse wagon stunt. 
If it works, they'll be some jailers quit jailin'. 

" South Ferry Express ! South Ferry ! 

" Hurry up ! We're late now ! 

" Step lively, please, push on in ahead ! 

"Watch your step!" 



82 



WE WAS ALL BABIES ONCE 



" I had a car full of people goin' down to busi- 
ness this mornin', an' them that wasn't chasin' 
through their newspapers was glarin' at th' 
rest like they wondered who opened th' door 
last an' let that in. Then a trim lookin' woman 
got on, carryin' a fat baby just old enough to 
sit up an' take notice. She had to set be- 
tween a old grouch you'd swore had eat a live 
baby for breakfast an' another fellow studyin' 
th' market reports so busy he didn't even move 
over. That baby was right at home, an' tick- 
led to death when it spotted old man * Grouch ' 
in reachin' distance. Mamma was lookin' 
through her hand bag for somethin' an' baby 
started in to get th' old codger's goat. It 
squealed an' goo-ed at th' old barnacle till 
every guy on th' car got wise, an' you never see 
such a lot o' rubber necks in your life. You'd 

83 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



thought all of *em owned th' baby. A big duf- 
fer 'cross th' aisle that had glowered at every- 
body all th' way downtown was grinnin' like a 
Chessycat. That little snoozicks had 'em all 
goin'. Old Grouchy tried not to notice it, but 
th' baby leaned way out an' punched its finger 
in his eye, yippin' an' yellin' at him till th' old 
chromo begin to laugh. I never see a car full 
o' dill pickles liven up th' way that one did. It 
seemed to make 'em all human bein's agin. I 
got to thinkin' it was lucky we wasn't all born 
standin' up ready to count money an' do a day's 
work. Every time we think th' days ain't long 
enough to grab all th' coin we want, better look 
a little mut of a baby right in th' eyes. That's 
where you come from, an' it makes you think 
where you're goin' to. You know they hain't 
no more use for coin where you're goin' than 
where you come from. 

*' Grand Central ! Next stop. Fourteenth 
Street! 

" Don't block up th' doorway! Let 'em on! 

" Move up in th' car! Let 'em on! 

" Watch your step ! " / 

84 



TIGHT WADS GET " THEIRS " 

" Most people quit bein' a good fellow soon's 
they get money. I tell you gettin' money's 
like bein' struck blind. Th* sun don't shine. 
It jus' gets hot. An' th' fellow that's got 
plenty o' money ain't afraid o' bein' called a 
tight wad. It's th' mut that hain't got it that's 
keepin' them taxicabs chasin' all over town. 
An' when a guy's been poor an' been provin' 
he ain't a tight wad by spendin' all his coin 
faster'n he gets it, when that kind of a guy 
gets real money he quits spendin' it an' gets 
tighter'n any of 'em. Danny L5nich's got a 
brother-in-law that saves every dollar he lays 
his hands on. That fellow never buys a paper, 
he never gets a shine, he don't drink, smoke nor 
even chew gum. He wears a sweater all win- 
ter to keep trom wearin' shirts. He makes 
big money, too. If you'd pry a dollar away 

85 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



from him, bet th' raw flesh'd come with it. I 
don't see how he fooled Danny's sister into 
marryin' him. Why, when he was runnin' 
after her, he borrowed another fellow's horse 
an' buggy, an' took her out ridin'. They was 
passin' a candy store an' she sniffed an' says to 
him, * My, but that smells good.' An' he says 
to her, * Does it? Well, I'll drive closer, so's 
you can smell it better.' It makes me laugh 
when I think what happens to a tight wad's 
money after he's gone. Th' stingiest old fel- 
low I know left so much money to his boy he 
commenced blowin' it before th' old man was 
planted in Greenwood. Th' old codger didn't 
even draw a tombstone. They was pepper 
grass growin' all over his grave Decoration 
Day. That's th' flower all right for tight 
wads. 

"Brooklyn Bridge! Brooklyn Bridge! 

" Don't keep standin' in th' doorway ! 

"Nobody can get in with you blockin' th' 
way! 

"All aboard, step lively, please! 

" Watch your step ! " 

86 



WHAT'S YOUR HANDLE? 



" If you call a fellow * Mister/ it don't mean 
nothin' in this country. If you call him Judge, 
or Doctor or Colonel, he'll jump thro' a hoop 
for you. Most people freeze up when you call 
'em * Mister.' I bet if some guy poke his 
head in my car an' holler * good momin', Col- 
onel' he'd think he was in th' War Depart- 
ment. I got a friend that couldn't cock a toy 
cannon an' they call him General. He was 
clerk in th' Deficiency General's office in Okla- 
homa, an' by jing, you couldn't prove he 
wasn't in th' war. Since these colleges been 
throwin' boquets at every man that's figured 
out how to beat th' game, you're pretty safe 
in calling any fellow * Doctor ' if he looks like 
a winner. There's Doctor Carnegie, an' Doc- 
tor Cook. One of 'em got it for givin' people 
money an' the other one for takin' it away 
from 'em. But 'perfessor' is a handle that 

87 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



gets me mixed up. I don't know if he's a 
book sharp or runs a barber shop, or comes 
down in a parachute at PaHsade Park on Sun- 
days. It ain't so easy to get called * Captain.' 
You have to be a head waiter or been to a real 
war to get that. 

" Women don't get a fair show on this title 
business. It don't help your mother any to 
call her a lady, when they's scrub ladies an' 
wash ladies an' perfect ladies an' colored 
ladies. Lizzie's sister wouldn't answer a * ad ' 
in th' paper for * sales ladies ' 'cause she didn't 
have no automobile an' a Jap ki-yoodle, but 
Lizzie told her to go 'long, that was just a 
bait to catch 'em with. I see old Judge Dyck- 
man on my car an' I says, * Judge, do you care 
what people calls you,' an' he says, * I'm wor- 
ryin' more 'bout their re-callin' me.' 

" Here's your street, Major ! Fulton ! 
Fulton Street! 

" Step lively, there ! 

" Look out, Governor, for that lady that 
wants to get on ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

88 



HENPECKED MEN DON'T NEVER 
GIVE UP THEIR SEATS 

" Every man stands up for some woman once 
in a while, even on a street car. This givin' 
your seat to a woman is all owin' to how you 
was brought up. Of course, every man that 
ain't a dog gives up his seat to a old lady or 
a woman with a baby. I'm talkin' about com- 
mon, every day women. If your sisters is old 
hens an' your wife fights her neighbors all th' 
time, you keep your seat. All th' women 
standin' up look like th' kind you have to eat 
with. A man 'at's henpecked at home never 
gives his seat to a woman. That's th' only 
way he gets even. Takes it out on all th' 
other women. If th' women you know th' 
best is good pals, you'll be decent to any 
woman. Lizzie is th' only woman I know. 
An' every time I see a petticoat I think of 

89 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



Lizzie, an* it can have my seat. To-day all 
but one of th' seats in my car was full of Wall 
Street men goin' to work. When we stopped 
at Fourteenth Street a man came in my door 
an' a woman stepped in th' side door. He 
beat her to th' empty seat. All th' other guys 
looked at him like he was a chicken thief. 
None of 'em give up their seat, but they sure 
did kill that fellow with looks. I kinda felt 
sorry for him. It seemed to me she had as 
much right to their seats 's she did to his. 
But they didn't think so. I suppose it's a 
game where th' last one to get a seat ought 
to be th' goat an' give it up. Lizzie's uncle 
Henry says, ' You never lose what you don't 
have,' an' th' other fellows knew they'd be 
losin' a real seat. Th' new chap hadn't 
warmed his up enough to own it yet. 

"Wall Street, Wall Street! Bowling 
Green, next! 

" Be careful gettin' out ! 

"Watch your step!" 



90 



IT'S DULL KNIVES MAKES MEAT 
COST HIGH 

" You know why th' price o' beefsteak's gone 
up, don't you? No, it ain't th' trust nor it 
ain't politics. It's all on account o' silver 
plated knives poor people buys an' cuts their 
meat with. When I was a kid we had knives 
that could cut. Nowadays, th' knives an' 
forks look pretty, but you can't cut butter with 
'em 'less it's hot. When my old dad fetched 
home a chuck steak, us kids tackled it with 
them bone handled steel knives that had razor 
edges on 'em. You could cut sheet iron with 
'em. They cut steak so easy we never 
thought it was tough. In them days you 
never heard a word about tenderloins an' por- 
terhouses. It was all steak. Th' butcher 
got about as good a price for rump steak as 
he did for sirloin. An' then they got out 

91 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



these silver plated knives an' everybody had 
to look swell. So they all bought these bum 
knives. Then when dad come home with th' 
same rump steak, a big holler went up. No- 
body could cut it. The kids couldn't, maw 
couldn't an' when th' old man tackled it, he 
couldn't. We never thought o' layin' it on 
to th' knives. Dad went back an' kicked at 
th' butcher. He didn't know dad had silver 
plated knives, an' he did know dad had got th' 
best flank steak he had, so he tried loin steak. 
Then when dad kicked again, he tried tender- 
loin an' up went th' cost o' livin'. Everybody 
had to have tenderloin 'cause their silver 
plated swords wouldn't cut rump steak. If 
you trade off them silver plated knives for 
th' old kind that's got a hair edge on 'em, th' 
price of beefsteak'll go down. Nobody's 
gonna eat steak he can't cut. 

"Express to Brooklyn! Brooklyn Ex- 
press! 

" Move up in front, please ! 

" Let' em on, don't stand in th' doorway ! 

" Watch your step ! " 

92 



IS ALL TH* ANGELS FAT? 

" They say * Nobody loves a fat man ' but I 
made up my mind to get fat. If I was mar- 
ried an' had a boy to raise, I'd make him fat 
if I had to sit on his chest and feed him 
noodles. It beats education all hollow. The 
fatter you get him th' richer he'll get. It's 
better'n life insurance. Gimme a fat boy 
every time. You see people like to be jollied. 
A fat fellow does it. They don't want to hear 
any hard luck story. Th' fat man ain't got 
any to tell. Most people want to get close to 
a fat man. They like to hear him laugh. If 
a fat man ever gets broke, he can raise more 
dough than two boney fellows. An' you 
know, you can't drown a fat man. If he falls 
in, he bobs aroun' like a cork. All he does is 
make th' water splash over th' banks. An' a 
fellow tol' me somethin' yesterday that sure 

93 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



did surprise me. He said no fat man ever 
went to Sing Sing! If you want to beat th' 
game, get fat. Th' lawyers live off th' skinny 
ones. Worry makes you lean. If you worry, 
you ain't right in th' head. Th' other fellow's 
money looks like your'n. So does his wife an' 
his house an' lot. An' while you're oodled, 
you get mixed on your dates, an' you wake up 
in a lawyer's office. When th' judge says: 
* Where were you last Friday night, answer 
yes or no? ' you choke almost to death. But 
you see, if you're fat, they never suspect you. 
You get two seats, an' nobody passes you. 
When they call you down, you just chuckle, 
an' if they get mad at you, you laugh out loud. 
No, sir, they's no fat convicts. If all th' Sun- 
day Schools was used to grow fat people in, 
you could rent Blackwell's Island for picnics. 

"Borough Hall! Borough Hall! Hoyt 
Street next! 

" Step one side, please, and let that man 
off. 

" Watch your step ! 



» 



94 



REAL MOURNIN' DONT MAKE A 
BLACK NOISE 



" If me an' "Lizzie gets married, an' I take sick 
an' die, she needn't go wearin' black mournin', 
an' go 'round lookin' like a two legged hearse 
all th' time. I ain't lookin' for Lizzie to get 
gay next week after I'm planted. She's got 
to go to Woodlawn three or four Sunday after- 
noons to see th' grass growin' right, an' 'en 
she ought to put on th' purtiest white dress 
she's got, an' sail right out among 'em. By 
golly, that tickles me to think about. What's 
th' good o' keepin' th' funeral goin' after you 
paid th' undertaker? They tell me heaven's 
th' finest place ever, an' people livin' good an' 
proper is laughin' all th' time up there, an' 
tellin' each other * trade lasts ' on how purty 
their wings is, but every time one o' them 
angel husbands goes an' looks down at little 

95 



WATCH YOUR STEP 



old earth spinnin* along like one o* Christy 
Matthewson's curve balls, he can't see his 
widow for th' black on her. All th' other 
muts she ain't cryin' for takes a peep an' 
says they, * She's a humdinger, ain't she ? ' 
An' 'en they foller her like sheep runnin' after 
salt. It don't help him sleep well nights up 
there to know his old girl is advertisin' for 
Number Two. This mournin' stunt is half 
fake, an' th' other half crazy. You don't 
see husbands doin' it. Some o' them get 
a black band sewed on a pink overeoat. They 
hold on to th' car strap with that arm. 

" When Lizzie's aunt Sally was buried, her 
brother came to th' Motorman's Ball that 
same night. But he was purty decent about 
it. Soon's he got in, he said he'd only dance 
th' plain waltzes, on account o' aunt Sally's 
funeral that day. They couldn't get him to 
turkey trot or bunny hug. 

" Atlantic Avenue ! Atlantic Avenue ! 

" Last stop, all change. 

" Be very careful gettin' off. 

" Watch your step ! " 

96 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

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